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Whether you are here with your family, friends, on the first date or last date (usually the same thing around here), or just
curious/suicidal yourself, Cretaceousland! offers many different things to many different
people, though probably not you.
Listed throughout the following pages are the main attractions here at Cretaceousland!.
Build your own vacation/final days on Earth around them! You and your family will spend hours and hours, or maybe just a very
few, short, panic-stricken minutes trying to see everything there is to see and doing everything there is to do. Of course
most of the seeing and doing revolves around running and screaming.
However, Cretaceousland! is much more than just seeing. It's also the experience.
What we call sensory overload. It's being a part of the surroundings, and running FROM those surroundings. And just
to be fair, Cretaceousland! is also wheelchair accessible since around 9:34 yesterday,
so we treat everyone the same - poorly!
Most of the time it's not the initial sight of these giant animals,
because they tend to remain hidden, waiting for the right moment to pounce, just like modern day predators. So, no, it's not
the sight of them. Usually the first indication of things to come is the wave of sound you feel from the parking lot-
the immense roaring, the ground shaking.
In our parking lots all hell breaks loose - car alarms, flashing headlights, vehicles visibly bounce. Then throw in the
"cover your ears, duck and run, cringe-worthy" roaring? It gives you a little taste of the absolute chaos going on inside
the fences.
NOTE: The Cretaceousland! - C4CS Parking
Lot has been rated as much as 1% to 1.03% safer than being inside the DinoReserve itself. Which is to say: you're pretty much
toast anywhere around here.
For those suffering from WBS [Weak Bladder Syndrome], or major attacks of Chickenitis, or what we refer to as Being Hit
Over The Head By Reality, we offer *Special* Parking Admission prices. You can save as much as 0.05% on your admission
price by hiding in your trunk all day. Talk or whimper to a Parking Lot Attendant, if you can find one, when you enter any
of our six parking lots.
Because seeing them in person is noisier, smellier, scarier, and terrifier than any photo or coroner's report can ever convey,
all our guests are encouraged to spend as much time as they want, or physically can, inside the various Habitats.
You will be mesmorized by the size and amazed by the speed of the largest predators in the history of the Earth. Well...
at least right up to the point when they catch a whiff of your scent. Then, in most cases, your day at Cretaceousland! ends somewhere between rather swiftly and tragically.
| WE'RE NOT SURE WHAT STARTED THIS FIRE IN PL3 |
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| Sure Hope They Have Insurance |
CRETACEOUSLAND! PARKING LOT
Cretaceousland! shares all 6 of it's public parking lots with
The Center for Cretaceous Studies, our parent company. The majority of our guests are usually content to
sit in their car soiling themselves, while a few brave, adventurous souls actually get out of the car. Often they'll stand
petrified, mouths agape, watching in awe... well, mostly in shock but often in awe, from their parking spot while these magnificent
animals go about doing magnificent things in natural, outdoor, magnificent Habitats only a few yards away. Yeah, nothing like
the secure feeling of knowing there's a flimsy, er, high-tech fence between you and 3+ tons of wacked-out, crazy, man-eating
Dinosaur(s).
We use the plural here because they sometimes hang out in packs near their food source (i.e. parking lot).
| FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, ANOTHER SLOW NIGHT |
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| A Soft, Warm, Comfortable Hospital Bed Is Probably In Your Immediate Future! |
Because of insurance and legal purposes, we won't go into how many
times a day the semi-highly technical, tremendously electrically-charged, ultra-secure, super-duper, fancy-schmancy, fencing
goes on the fritz. Suffice to say our fence contractor hasn't been home since 1988, and our lawyers are on speed dial, right
next to the hospital and pizza delivery list.
POLICIES, RULES, REGULATIONS, and DISCOUNT DEATH CERTIFICATES
The Center for Cretaceous Studies (our parent company) discourages flash photography
within 100 yards of our DinoResidents. When we say they do not like it, we mean they DO NOT LIKE IT.
Please, please, please... for the love of God PLEASE obey ALL directional signs while inside the Reserve. You have
NO idea how often our former guests (may they rest in peace) think "Do Not Enter" must mean "Oh Please
Do Come In".
You MUST have Mr. Happy Waivers with you AT ALL TIMES. This is the free 1,400+ page pamphlet you'll receive just as soon as
you cough up the admission fee or arrange loan payments. Mr. Happy Waivers glosses over most of the safety regulations, warnings,
and cop-outs that apply to us getting out of every idea you may come up with in suing us for anything and everything. Look
pal, we've been around long enough now to have seen 'em all. You don't think we keep four floors of lawyers over at C4CS HQ just because we like them, do ya?
No one is allowed anywhere near Cretaceousland! without completely reading or quickly
signing Mr. Happy Waivers at the Ticket Office. We also recommend bringing a copy of your dental records and having your blood
type listed on a separate piece of paper - in case Mr. Happy Waivers is mysteriously ingested. Well? We can't say unexpectedly
devoured. Besides being crude, it's just not true as there aren't any 'devourings' around here that aren't 'unexpected'.
All visitors can be ID'd, that is, photographed, fingerprinted, and outfitted with a tiny transmitter - we call it a 'black
box' even though it's black - prior to entrance into the Reserve. The transmitter sometimes aids our Search & Rescue teams,
but mostly it's for the Cretaceousland! forensic teams and the coroner's office. If
you wish to save money on the free IDs, for a smaller fee Cretaceousland! can provide
a very nice, blurry, black & white wallet-sized photo which can be placed atop the casket later.
(NOTE: a wide assortment of beautiful picture frames are available in tC4CS
Gifte $hoppe at unbelievable prices, er, savings)
| OUR SECURITY HEDGE WORKS JUST AS BAD AS OUR FENCES |
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| Three Of These People Made It Past This Point, And This Is 8 Feet From The Front Entrance! |
Before running out into Habitats filled with animals that will tear
you apart, you may wish to spend a few minutes with C4CS legal advisors who are onhand
to discuss updating your Last Will and Testament. At this time you can also opt for discount funeral arrangements and other
final wishes that probably need finalizing before walking into the light... uh, into the DinoReserve, all of which are available
from several kiosks near the entrance (just like rental car companies at the airport). Though you can choose your favorite
style, color, and price, of a casket at this time, most of our guests can get by with a 'Remembrance Service' and a
shoe box as there usually isn't enough remaining to fill a casket.
Grief Counselors are located at every exhibit and ride exit for your convenience. Some of them speak enough English to make
sure you tip. And remember: Every 1000th visitor gets a FREE Last Rites Ceremony Package for only HALF PRICE!! See Mr. Happy
Waivers for other incredibly small-type details.
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