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After public opinion polls in the Spring of 1978 we opened THE CRETACEOUSLAND! EXPERIENCE
anyway. Although it may some day be safe, in the meantime it sure is fun -- depending upon your definition of the word 'fun'.
Enjoy man-eating, killer DinoResidents from the comfort and 'safety' of your very own vehicle! (we suggest renting
a vehicle or borrowing a neighbor's before arriving)
GET AWAY FROM RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC
It's so simple! Just drive up to our 25-foot tall gate at HAB14 and retrieve your coded ticket from our automated kiosk. The
first gate will automatically open. As the first gate opens, drive up to the traffic signal with the amber flashing light
and when the light turns red, stop. The gate you just drove through will lower behind your vehicle. Now you are boxed-in,
surrounded by 25-foot fencing, and completely safe for probably the last time inside THE CRETACEOUSLAND!
EXPERIENCE . Place your ticket into the AutoTicketTaker just out of reach from the driver's side window,
push the green button, and watch as the gate in front of you slowly opens.
*NOTE- Punch the green button. NOT the red button. Selecting
the red button makes the gate derail off the track and fall 'harmlessly' on your vehicle. And then... congratulations, you've
probably just set off a DinoAlert!
Once the gate is completely open, drive through slowly. If you're lucky, there won't be a "Welcoming Committee" of you-know-whats
to greet you. Once it appears safe, you've just been given the opportunity to drive through the Cretaceousland! version of Yellowstone National Park! That's the good news. The bad news is: instead of furry bears, beautiful
elk, awe-inspiring geysers... you have an 8" toothed, meat-eating, predators standing on the other side of your automotive
safety glass. That is, if you remembered to roll up the windows. Wheeeee! Hope you brought along diapers for adults!
| FULL COVERAGE INSURANCE - OR MORE - RECOMMENDED |
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| We Suggest Using Express Lanes. It's Worth The Extra Cost. |
THE CRETACEOUSLAND! EXPERIENCE is a (unknown) miles-long,
one-way tour. Or at least that's our best guess as no one has come back yet. As far as we know, there is no place to turn
around. Did ya run out of gas halfway through THE CRETACEOUSLAND! EXPERIENCE ? Awwww,
too bad, so sad. But just think of 'the experience' you'll have hiking out of there across miles and miles of swampland, dense
forestry, open meadows, all the while listening to the (hopefully) distant roars of gigantic meat-eating
Dinosaurs! And then, if you make it this far, you'll have to navigate a very high voltage 35-foot fence. Yeah. Good luck with
that.
During your CRETACEOUSLAND! EXPERIENCE you'll drive on various types of roadway,
ranging from severely potholed, abandoned blacktop, sinkholes, rutted out mud-filled sort-of paths, to barely recognizable
trails in grassy, open countryside. Make sure your vehicle is equipped to handle this type of terrain before entering. There
is absolutely no tow service available, and probably not enough money in the world even if you found one, to get them in there.
The Center for Cretaceous Studies - Cretaceousland! are not responsible for any mess
in your seats, nor ANY vehicle damage, nor the extraction of the remains of your vehicle from the grounds. Nor the extraction
of the remains of family members or friends. Please read 'Mr. Happy Waivers' for more buck passing. Start with Page 110, Paragraph
5, Sentence 8, under the headline So Now You Screwed Up Royally.
A word of caution: Should you and your loved ones be forced to abandon your vehicle for any reason, please be advised that
Dinosaurs, such as the Tyrannosaurids, do NOT locate prey via movement, as stated in some silly dinosaur movie
from the 1990s. In fact, the Acrocanthosaur atokensis has been observed to sniff out a ham and cheese sandwich from
325 yards away! We call this the 'Diana Effect', mostly because the sandwich in question belonged to former employee Diana
Boredum. And we hope you know what we mean by the term 'former' employee.
| IT PROBABLY GOT LOUSY GAS MILEAGE ANYWAY |
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| Months Later We Still Have No Clues As To Why This Happened |
Wonderous overlooks, spectacular scenery, jaw-dropping vistas, are
yours to behold while cruising through THE CRETACEOUSLAND! EXPERIENCE. Too bad
you'll be spending the majority of your time driving at Baja-like racing speeds. However, if you're daring, and very lucky,
for 9 seconds or so, you can actually stop and perhaps actually get out of your vehicle to glance at maybe as many as two
spots currently rated only "Semi-Dangerous" on the Cretaceousland! Danger Scale Rating
System [CDSRS].
Imagine being able to walk around in the same open range Habitat with the world's largest meat-eating predators. And we say
"walk around" as opposed to "drive around" because "Vehicle Failure" tops the list of what usually happens after the very
first "Dino-Vehicle" encounter.
Cretaceousland! management recommends no more than 6-to-11 seconds outside your vehicle
at any time in THE CRETACEOUSLAND! EXPERIENCE. (Current record is 10.395 seconds
from 1993, held by the Dawner family, party of 4) Time suggestions include the amount of time spent having the roof and/or
doors ripped off by our overly-inquisitive 5-ton residents.
| HEY! WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT FLASH PHOTOS!?! |
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| See The Way They Play With Their Food. Huh? Oops, Wrong Caption... |
Points of interest are marked with signs alongside the roadway. At least the signs that haven't been eaten, torn apart, or
shredded beyond belief, yet. (what? you think WE'RE going in there to repair them?!?) Final Rest
Stops are rated by the Cretaceousland! Danger Scale Rating System, based on the lack
of safety: A "10" indicates the most dangerous, while a "1" indicates safest. The safest Final Rest Stop in THE
CRETACEOUSLAND! EXPERIENCE is rated at 28.
We suggest you approach these Final Rest Stops as you would a good parking spot down at the local mall. Leave a lot of room
between cars - the few cars that aren't on fire or upside down, etc. We honestly believe you'll be able to determine good
spots to stop or pause based solely upon the number of demolished autos, smashed SUVs, and hopefully, dried pools of blood
in the vicinity.
THE CRETACEOUSLAND! EXPERIENCE opened, more or less, in the Spring of 1981 and operates 26 hours a day
during the warmer months of the year. THE CRETACEOUSLAND! EXPERIENCE is free with
regular paid admission to The Center for Cretaceous Studies and Cretaceousland!. Yeah, well, we tried to get people to pay extra for this 'privilege' but no one fell for it.
MONEY SAVING IDEAS TO CONSIDER
Visitors arriving in convertibles get 30% off their ticket price! Sunroof-equipped vehicles can save up to 15%. Families of
5 or more also get two free Family Passes - which must be used on the same day. Motorcycle riders can also take advantage
of huge discounts, but off-road riding is prohibited. Or at least it would be if we HAD a road in there. Seriously, if your
bike is off-road, we think you'd have much more fun at BIKING WITH DINOSAURS a
completely different scenario found elsewhere on this site.
| CANDLELIGHT MEMORIAL SERVICES HELD NIGHTLY |
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| Honor Your Family Members In Special Observances At The Exact Spot They Passed On. Or Were Eaten. |
| NEVER NEVER NEVER HONK AT THE CARHOPS |
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| They'll Install A Sunroof Or Convertible Top In Only Seconds If You Don't Tip |
THE CRETACEOUSLAND! USED CAR LOT
Back in the summer of 1981, after towing hundreds of slightly
used and/or abandoned vehicles from inside THE CRETACEOUSLAND! EXPERIENCE, we
cut the ribbon on the spanky new CRETACEOUS CARS dealership - - formerly known
as Cretaceousland! Impound Lot #7 - - stocked only with highly damaged, er, previously
driven, vehicles towed from THE CRETACEOUSLAND! EXPERIENCE.
These slightly bruised, mangled, marginally repairable, barely on fire, previously owned by people who were once breathing,
low-mileage vehicles are all that remains when owners mysteriously abandoned them for no apparent reason inside a live Dinosaur
Habitat. With little to no haggling you can get one fine automobile, or more likely three-fourths of one, for way below Blue
Book value. All vehicles are guaranteed for as far as you can tow them.
Come on down and kick the tires.. if there are any tires. Or choose from various makes and models we keep in the back that
will require a 'little more work' to make them ready to be crushed. These are Rebuilders Delights, often seen at the local
Demolition Derby or jumped over by motorcycles, showing a few scratches, dents, and maybe a missing windshield, roof, passenger
compartment, etc etc... all gentle reminders of the fun had from various DinoEncounters while visiting THE
CRETACEOUSLAND! EXPERIENCE.
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