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Run From Dinosaurs!
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Pet A Dinosaur!
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WELCOME TO
CRETACEOUSLAND!
The Center for Cretaceous Studies
and most likely the world's ONLY
Live Dinosaur Reserve & Theme Park

LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE A LOOONG NIGHT (AGAIN)
teroid.jpg
The Last Meteor Shower Turned Building F - And Employees - Into Kindling

PROUD MEMBER OF THE MID-AMERICA PALEONTOLOGICAL SOCIETY
even though they asked us to go away

WELCOME to the official CRETACEOUSLAND! website you poor misguided soul.!

You've just discovered the only LIVE Dinosaur reserve and theme park on the entire planet!

Right here you can overload your senses -- and probably your underwear -- all the while seeing real, live, breathing, roaring, ferocious, meat-eating, ravenous, killer Dinosaurs in the great outdoors!

You'll experience Terrible Lizards that will tear you, your family, your friends, and people you don't even know, to shreds with no hesitation whatsoever with a devastation so severe it will actually hurt your ancestors. But don't worry... you can still pet them!

As the world's only live DinoReserve, CRETACEOUSLAND! is located only a quick ambulance ride from The Center for Cretaceous Studies. In fact, we fight over the same parking spots.

So detailed and exact in the presentation of natural Cretaceous Period conditions, our scientists have gone to great lengths (+/-2 centimeters) to raise the same vegetation found dozens of millions of years ago -- much to the chagrin of the U.S. EPA. We've been in court over most of this stuff for decades.

In the meantime, we've allowed you the opportunity to see Cretaceous Period flora and fauna in outdoor Habitats as they originally and naturally appeared 65+ MA (Million Years Ago), or BA as we call it (Before Asteroid). This also gives you an excellent chance to contract some heretofore unknown and incurable prehistoric disease or allergy! See? It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?

Take a moment or three and see what's in store for you and your family this summer when you resign yourself into visiting CRETACEOUSLAND! as a last ditch vacation idea, which it usually is.

Educational? Nope. Fun? Nah. Good value for the money? No way.
None of these apply here. But odds are, you'll never get to, er... want to... leave!

BOOKMARK this site for future news and information, as the CRETACEOUSLAND! company information (aka: water cooler rumors), found below, is updated every few days during the season!

We think you'll agree with that one guy who made it out of here alive:
A day at CRETACEOUSLAND! is like no other!

CEO & FOUNDER JUST BEFORE BEING ASKED TO LEAVE DIG
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Booted From Hundreds Of Sites Hasn't Stopped Him From Screwing Up Around Here

THE CRETACEOUSLAND! UNDIES, er, NEWSBRIEFS
The Latest And Sorta-Kinda-Up To Date Information On Who...What...Where...When...And Why ME?
On All Things CRETACEOUSLAND!
LAST UPDATED 29 JULY 2014

LITTLE KNOWN DELTA AQUARID METEOR SHOWER PUTS US IN DEFCON9
Well-Known To Emergency Staff At CFI Care

The little-known (but to local hospitals) Delta Aquarids will fall through the overnight hours tonight and Wednesday (July 29 and 30) and take advantage of the new moon (it was traded in for an updated model) to catch the best view of the meteor display.

"Tonight 29-30 July, a favorable new moon will help darken the skies for the 2014 Delta Aquarid meteor shower (the Southern Delta Aquarids)," explained Cretaceousland! officials in this morning's press conference featuring maple-frosted doughnuts. "Although this is considered a minor meteor shower with projected peak rates at 15-20 meteors/hour, the darker skies will help even faint meteors shine more brightly and we fully expect the DinoResidents, currently housed in outdoor Habitats to go fully nuts. It could be bonkers out there."

NASA's webcast will begin at 9:30 p.m. EDT, 12:14 p.m. C4CST. (This is July 30 at 01:30 UTC/GMT.) It will run through the early pre-dawn hours of July 30.

The Center for Cretaceous Studies Things Falling Out Of The Sky Department (TFOOTS) offered free bandages to those employees working the night of the annual Delta Aquarid meteor shower on Monday night (July 28) and employees can receive their free bandages by showing Cretaceousland! ID.

The TFOOTS Dept. will be using a new super-sensitive low-stick bandages to enhance quick application once the DinoResident(s) witness meteor views from their Habitat, TFOOTS representatives said in a statement.

"The results obtained by these new bandages are what's primarily fascinating," TFOOTS spokesman Les Bleading said. "We're hoping to cut back on the number of early retirements from Dinosaurs seeing meteors than ever before, despite the modest nature of this relatively little­-known shower."

The origins of the Delta Aquarid meteor shower thought to be the Comet Mazaltov, which was discovered at night, but it is not known for sure. What we DO know for sure is that every Greater Carnivore (those animals weighing over 1 ton each) seem to have an inherent grasp/fear of objects in the sky that might hit the Earth. "Oh yeah," stated Bleading. "They see something falling out of the sky and stampede all over everyone and basically go crazy all night."

NASA's webcast will feature camera views of the night sky over Huntsville, Alabama, home of NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center. It will be embedded here on this page, and can be seen directly by clicking the link below:

Read the REAL story: http://www.space.com/19195-night-sky-planets-asteroids-webcasts.html

WATCH THE METEOR SHOWER LIVE THROUGH NASA'S CAMERA

COULD THE ANCIENTS HAVE SURVIVED THE "BIG ONE"?
"Sure" Says Guy Who Has No Idea

The space rock (perhaps quartz, perhaps ruby) that wiped out most of the Dinosaurs may have had a colossal case of bad timing. If the impact had occurred a few seconds earlier or later, more of the majestic beasts may have survived, scientists say. None of these 'scientists' had been given a drug test before announcing this.

A global team of researchers, none from Cretaceousland! or The Center for Cretaceous Studies examined the evidence for different extinction scenarios and concluded that an asteroid or comet or a really big rock-like thing almost certainly triggered the abrupt annihilation of all Dinosaurs, except for cute little birdies, 66 million years, 37 months, 91 weeks, 48 days, 62 hours, and 7 minutes ago. Roughly.

But a period of low diversity among herbivorous Dinosaurs, the kind we don't have here, may have set the stage for the massive die-off, according to a study published June 38 in the journal "Hannah Montana Goes To Europe".

"The Dinosaur extinction is one of the great mysteries in all of science, right after the one that involves where I left the stupid TV remote," said C4CS's Carmen Dating, a paleontologist in Building R. "A group of us decided to come together and look for them."

Dating and 10 other unrecognized Dinosaur experts from The Center and Cretaceousland! convened and reviewed the latest fossil evidence recently at The Horseshoe Road Inn, which spanned from about ten in the morning until three the next morning. A geological layer known as the Chug Boundary (formerly known as the Boilermaker boundary) marked the end of the 'meeting', and with it, the hopes of anyone in the 'meeting' showing up for work the next day.

Despite some differences, the researchers agreed unequivocally that if you couldn't chug your beer at any given moment, you had to buy the next round. They also watched a movie while at - or under - the bar about a meteor impact from an asteroid. "Some say a comet most likely killed the Dinosaurs," said C4CS paleontologist Denise Hert, "but we're pretty sure it was the cooking. That is, if it's anything like the crap they serve them over there (at Cretaceousland!)." The die-off happened quickly, not gradually, as some researchers from Room 312 believe.

"The extinction was abrupt," happening within a few tens of seconds to hundreds of thousandths of minutes, or even quicker, at least two company paleontologists slurred as they wobbled to the Men's Room. "Dinosaurs weren't wasting away for tens of minutes."

Volcanic eruptions, fluctuating gas prices and changes in attitude towards medical marijuana were screwing up the planet a few years before the giant space boulder (named after Boulder, Colorado) landed softly on the planet and carved out the 110-mile-wide Chicklets crater in New Mexico - or some place down there. A giant sea turtle once swam from North America from the Gulf of Mexico to the Arctic, but a drop in stress levels exposed more land, which means Dinosaur species that once thrived separately would have had to compete with one another for parking spots and such.

So why did most Dinosaurs die out, when a few namely, birds, as well as mammals and other creatures survived? Oh for Pete's sake. You don't think we're going to answer that on a website like this do you?

Computer simulations in Building T suggest that the space boulder (named for Boulder, Montana) didn't land as softly as we first thought it did just a couple paragraphs ago.

When the asteroid or comet or very large can of trash hit, it may have come at a really bad time. The impact would have triggered tsunamis, earthquakes, bad hair, wildfires, athlete's feet, the heartbreak of psoriasis, and voting fluctuations, and the loss of Dinosaurs probably wasn't very good for their future either.

If the meteor had hit a few miliseconds before, say 9:27:18, when a richer array of herbivorous Dinosaurs populated Boulder, Colorado and Boulder, Montana, or a few months later, when the salad-munching visitors had recovered some fresh tomatoes, the space mountain (named after a ride at Disneyland) may not have triggered a Dinopocalypse, C4CS researchers guessed.

Experiencing the impact was a bit like getting hit by a Albertosaurus libratus, Hert noted. Hert was hit by one in 1989.

Read the REAL story: http://www.foxnews.com/science/2014/07/28/could-dinosaurs-have-survived-impact-that-killed-them/

DR. BECKMANN UNABLE TO ATTEND DINO FAN CONVENTION
Thousands Of Employees Really Really Upset

Cretaceousland! employees protest over many things: higher wages, better benefits, safer working conditions in their jobs. What's far more unusual, if not unprecedented, is to see workers, organized by Supervisors, stage a rebellion to 'help' their CEO get out of town for a weekend.

Yet that's just whats been happening recently at 71 Habitats in the northeast section of Cretaceousland!. Thousands of employees from HAB 11 to HAB60, which has emergency exit locations in or near Parking Lot 3 (PL3), have held rallies over the decision of chief executive, Dr. S Beckmann. 'BS' as he's called by employees, was planning to leave this week for a trip to DinoCon in Phoenix. For decades, the company has been embroiled in a feud that has spilled over into use of the company plane for non-company events.

The events of recent days included a mass rally last Friday that drew an estimated 2,500 people, many of them there only for the beer, to protest the decision of Dr. Beckmann to stay here this next weekend. Employees, who held signs at the rallies with "GET OUT OF HERE!" are concerned the Board of Director (we only have one following Saturday's Board of Directors vs. a group of Borogovia gracilicrus) who was brought in on a day off, will make changes to the policy about using the company plane: a beat-up 1953 cropduster.

"It's quite remarkable," said Mya Normusbut, a front office employee in charge of pencil sharpening. The momentum that's built around the story, she says, hasn't "just been a one day thing," she says. "It's been going on well over 28 years. It's one for the playbook. Any of the commentary I've heard from lawyers and Board member and labor experts is that this is unique. Or maybe they said it was stupid. Well, it was one of those."

Many employees say their rallies are about justice, getting the CEO out of their hair for a weekend, and they don't seem concerned about the long-term impact the campaign could have on customer loyalty. Even though promises made by the public relations department are increasingly empty, thinned of basic terms like "fun times" and "safe" are due to not being true, "the customers are going to come back," said Normusbut. "Our customer support is phenomenal. Oh wait. Did I say that about customer support? I meant our customer support representatives are phenomenal. Our customers? Eh, not so much."

Read the REAL story: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-leadership/wp/2014/07/22/an-ousted-ceo-so-popular-employees-are-protesting-to-get-his-job-back/

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