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Home
About Us
Upon Your Arrival
Feed A Raptor!
Run From Dinosaurs!
Bike With Dinosaurs!
Pet A Dinosaur!
Swim With Dinosaurs!
Swing With Dinosaurs!
Camp With Dinosaurs!
Drive With Dinosaurs!
Visitor's Final Look
Membership
Sign Our Guestbook!

WELCOME TO
CRETACEOUSLAND!
The Center for Cretaceous Studies
and most likely the world's ONLY
Live Dinosaur Reserve & Theme Park

REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR RAPTORS THIS WINTER
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And Ours Will "Take Care" Of You

PROUD MEMBER OF THE MID-AMERICA PALEONTOLOGICAL SOCIETY
even though they asked us to go away

WELCOME to the official CRETACEOUSLAND! website you poor misguided soul.!

You've just discovered the only LIVE Dinosaur reserve and theme park on the entire planet! You're also about to discover one more thing:

ALL the DinoResidents are now back indoors at The Center for the coming winter season. Please visit that site for the latest news!
They'll be staying inside the Indoor Paddocks until the 2015 Spring DinoMove. Nice Timing, Pal! Just click on the link below to visit The Center, but first, waste your time here!

Click Here To Visit The Center (where the DinoResidents currently reside)

When they do return this spring -- MAYDAY!! (May 1st) -- here's what you can expect: Right here you can overload your senses, and probably your underwear, all the while seeing real, live, breathing, roaring, ferocious, meat-eating, ravenous, killer Dinosaurs in the great outdoors!

You'll experience Terrible Lizards that will tear you, your family, your friends, and people you don't even know, to shreds with no hesitation whatsoever with a devastation so severe it will actually hurt your ancestors. But don't worry... you can still pet them!

As the world's only live DinoReserve, CRETACEOUSLAND! is located only a quick ambulance ride from The Center for Cretaceous Studies. In fact, we fight over the same parking spots.

So detailed and exact in the presentation of natural Cretaceous Period conditions, our scientists have gone to great lengths (+/-2 centimeters) to raise the same vegetation found dozens of millions of years ago -- much to the chagrin of the U.S. EPA. We've been in court over most of this stuff for decades.

In the meantime, we've allowed you the opportunity to see Cretaceous Period flora and fauna in outdoor Habitats as they originally and naturally appeared 65+ MA (Million Years Ago), or BA as we call it (Before Asteroid). This also gives you an excellent chance to contract some heretofore unknown and incurable prehistoric disease or allergy! See? It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?

Take a moment or three and see what's in store for you and your family this summer when you resign yourself into visiting CRETACEOUSLAND! as a last ditch vacation idea, which it usually is.

Educational? Nope. Fun? Nah. Good value for the money? No way.
None of these apply here. But odds are, you'll never get to, er... want to... leave!

BOOKMARK this site for future news and information, as the CRETACEOUSLAND! company information (aka: water cooler rumors), found below, is updated every few days during the season!

We think you'll agree with that one guy who made it out of here alive:
A day at CRETACEOUSLAND! is like no other!

CEO & FOUNDER JUST BEFORE BEING ASKED TO LEAVE DIG
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Booted From Hundreds Of Sites Hasn't Stopped Him From Screwing Up Around Here

THE CRETACEOUSLAND! UNDIES, er, NEWSBRIEFS
The Latest And Sorta-Kinda Up To Date Information On Who...What...Where...When...And Why ME?
On All Things CRETACEOUSLAND!
LAST UPDATED 25 JANUARY 2015


"REALLY WEIRD" GUY PAYING TO LIVE IN HAB89
A Refrigerator Box Under The Highway Overpass Might Be Safer

A pretty much complete idiot from Florida has bid farewell to life outside the perimeter fence and taken up permanent residence in HAB89. Thought the Habitats (HABs) have been empty since the Fall DinoMove, so far no one wants to go in there and tell him to get out.

Dale Nevernoe, 36, has been living in a trailer inside HAB89 for almost seven months, reports the neighboring construction crew in HAB88. During that time, Nevernoe, or "Bat Sh** Crazy" as he’s known to most of the 65 rehab and construction crew members, estimates he’s spent about $1.64 for his home.

His figure covers the costs of his seventeen-foot 2009 Coachmen M-Series small travel trailer, all meals with beverages excluded, nightly torch lighting to scare off DinoResidents that sneak out to eat him, rental movies, cable, and lectures from the construction staff next door.

But the visitor who first set foot inside Cretaceousland! months ago says its all worth it to live out what many would consider a real nightmare come true.

"My ex-wife introduced me to camping," he noted. "Nancy kicked me out of the house and taught me to love camping in my own driveway until she got the house. During our 5-week marriage I camped 89 times."

36-year-old Dale Nevernoe has lived aboard the "Serenity", as he calls his little camper, for almost seven months.

Nevernoe said that his wife told him over and over and over and... well, you get the idea... he'll “never stop camping if she could help it” and he took it to heart. After losing the five bedroom Fort Lauderdale home, which included 10 acres, Nevernoe was encouraged by his ex-wife's family to do something that they loved -- go away. Though he loves life on the high seas, he admits there is one drawback.

"I can't afford it,” he says, lamenting that he really misses his Flordia-based house. "What? You think I WANT to live here? This is all I can afford, pal." Since becoming a HAB89 resident, Nevernoe estimates that he’s been visited by over a 100 DinoResidents.

"Just say I've been attacked by almost every Dinosaur you can think of,” he says. He enjoyed visiting with Ceratonykus oculatus last summer because they are “so stupid.. I mean, small” from the average DinoResident. Nowadays, he usually opts to stay inside his camper when the DinoResidents come to visit at various times. He enjoys the quiet when larger DinoResidents go off at the end of the day. But he makes an exception for tyrannosaurids, and “can’t resist screaming” when they try to eat his camper.

At night, Dale Nevernoe dines in the main dining room of his camper, and says he enjoys meeting new (smaller) Dinosaurs. His home can only host up to 1 very large DinoResident at a time so there are plenty of new injuries each time they show up. Nevernoe takes advantage of the nightly activities like torch-lighting, shooting fireworks, setting up bonfires, and applying tourniquets. He says that his wife never really enjoyed camping so now he takes advantage of the nightly program.

But the never-ending vacation lifestyle has taken a toll on Dale Nevernoe’s mental health. He estimates that he’s seen about 25 'ghost' Dinosaurs after being spooked nearly every night for the past seven months. While many in their 30’s are frequently in and out of doctor’s offices, Dale Nevernoe credits good spirits (lots of booze), a great immune system, and a "hell of a lot of luck" for his good health and the fact that he's still alive and mostly unbitten.

"All the time I've been here I have never had a sick day," he said. "Can't afford it. Dinosaurs pick off the weak and sick, y'know. I'm so mental I doubt that I would ever be able to readjust to the real world again." We agree.

Read the REAL story: Elderly woman pays $164G a year to live life of luxury on cruise ship


CRETACEOUSLAND! CRANKS UP INVISIBLE DINOSAUR-FRIEND
We Are Going To Lose SO Much Money On This

Our hottest Imaginary DinoFriend: Spinosaurus aegyptiacus.

One of the core premises of Invisible DinoFriend, the new service that invents a Dinosaur friend to deceive your pestering family, friends and fellow paleontologists, is that the user will not, under any circumstance, fall in love with her fictional beau or fall behind in payments.

The service — which will launch at Cretaceousland! following Opening Day (MAYDAY!!) — takes the concept of virtual intimacy further than basically any of the lolzy fake-Dino apps before it.

According to Cretaceousland! spokesman Audrey Marx, "When you sign up for the service, you can pick any DinoFriend to your specifications — kind of like picking the genes for a designer baby, except for an imaginary Dinosaur. You pick the name, age, the animal's interests and personality traits. You tell the app if you prefer tyrannosaurids or alvarezsaurids, troodontids or coelurosaurids, who like drama or species who can nearly fly. Then you swipe your credit card — $25 per month, cha-ching! — and the imaginary Dinosaur of your dreams starts texting you.'

Except … the Dinosaur on the other end isn’t real. (NO!!! Really?!?) It’s a real human person, texting multiple people, being real creepy and contorting himself to carefully match each specific species expectations.

Having tested the Epsilon version of the app, Marx said she learned this the hard way, admittedly: "Hoping to trip up the automated chat technology I thought was responding to my texts, I told my “Richard,” a Richardoestesia gilmorei, that my plans for the evening included "drinking cheap beer 'til I puke and crying myself to sleep at, near, or on the toilet."

"Why the tears, you moron?” "Richard" responded, before launching into a discussion of his favorite visitor-eating story. This was a red flag: Bots do not know about “eating visitors of Cretaceousland!.” And if bots did know about “eating visitors of Cretaceousland!,” they would certainly not pick a Hungarian tour group as the highlight of a good meal.

“That’s the most ridiculous and insignificant insight I’ve ever heard,” downplayed Cretaceousland!s Hal Mahniter, the app’s affable founder. “I know how it works, well, when it works and doesn't set your phone on fire … but in testing it out, I felt this compulsion to throw my phone in a lake as soon as the Dinosaur texts me. That’s how stupid it feels to talk to a Dinosaur, even if they’re — not stalking you yet.”

The invisible DinoFriend, Mahniter explains, is actually a bunch of former visitors to Cretaceousland! that are in long term recovery at CFI Care: The service’s texting operation is powered by electricity and manages 200,000 remote, microtask-focused patients, er, workers. When you send a text to the "Richard" number, the message routes through Invisible DinoFriend, where it’s assigned to some guy breathing on a machine or with only one or less legs. He (or she) gets a couple of cents to respond. He never sees the name or number, and he can’t really have anything like an actual conversation with you, unless you want them to "roar" in your phone to save as a ringtone.

All things considered, it’s hardly a jump to suggest someone might develop feelings for a “believable” virtual Dinosaur who never caters to any whims you might have. It’s not exactly the stuff of fairytales, admittedly. But given enough time and texts — a full 100 will be included in the monthly package — Hal Mahniter truly believes there are enough dopes out there who will actually use this.

"Cretaceousland! will make millions off this junk," he grinned.

Read the REAL story: I paid $25 for an Invisible Boyfriend, and I think I might be in love.


WEBSITE CHANGES COMING "SOON"
May Cause Temporary Halt To This Wonderful Prose

Uh oh. We recently saw this notification from Tripod-Lycos:
Time To Migrate! We [Tripod-Lycos] are in the process of retiring the Trellix editor. Soon, to create a new site you will need to use Zeeblio Beta. Within the coming months we will offer automatic conversion of Trellix sites to Zeeblio Beta for paid users. Free users may either convert manually or upgrade to a paid account.

Although there is no deadline announcement, C4CS oddsmakers [the morons hanging around the water cooler instead of working] 'feel' this change will come on or around the new year. What this means to you, the reader, is one day soon this site may not be here!

STOP CRYING! Sheeeeesh. In the meantime we are doing everything possible to make the transition a smooth one, even if we are hell-bent on NOT paying for a website for such a stupid idea as this stuff.

We'll keep this announcement up for a while so all 2 of our readers see it. Rest assured, if anything happens that affects your ability to read this tripe, we'll let you know ASAP! Thanks

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